A Brief Investigation Regarding Why We All Hate Each Other

America is a deeply divided nation. I know this, because I wanted to write a blog entry about how deeply divided America is as a nation, so I Googled "America deeply divided," and found the following:

• ​An article from PBS News Hour dated October 16 of last year that said a (then-) recent poll showed 85% of Americans felt the nation was "deeply divided over its most important values."
• An opinion piece published in the Washington Post on November 5 of last year, in which the very first line says, "We remain a country deeply divided by race, culture and religion." 
• An article in Time magazine from November 4 of last year, where the first words in the headline were, "It's Clear That America Is Deeply Polarized."

My point is not that I bothered to read any of these articles; of course I didn't. My point is that I want you to be well aware: I'm not just a guy who's taking a position. I'm a guy who had a position in mind, went looking for something to support it, and after a good 12 seconds of internet "research" found enough "evidence" to back up what I wanted to talk about in the first place, which means I must be right, right?

That's a relief, as you might imagine. I'm comforted to know I'm right, mostly because I very much want people who disagree with me to be wrong. And even if, by some weird twist of fate, I'm the one who happens to be wrong, I'm just going to go on believing that I'm right, because my version of the world is the kind of world I want. I can't really say for sure what kind of world the people who disagree with me might want--not like I'm going to ask them, or anything--but I know enough to know it's not my version, which means it has to be wrong. After all, the internet just proved I'm right, right?

The people who disagree with me will probably want to fight me on this. Misguided as they are, they no doubt prefer their version of the world to mine. But I fear their version (mostly because it isn't my version; it's not like I've asked them what their version might be), so I have no choice but to do everything in my power to stand in opposition to them; keeping silent would be letting them win, and what kind of world will this be if they win?

What's that you say? You want me to define my version of the world? Wow: I mean, that's a big ask. It's not that I'm unwilling, and it's certainly not that I don't have a clear idea as to what my version of the world might be. It's just that my version is so incredibly detailed and nuanced, and trying to explain it is both difficult and time-consuming, so let me just sum up by saying that my version of the world is not their version, and my version is good. The internet already proved I'm right, so I'm just going to have to ask you to trust me on this. You don't really have to understand either side, as long as we can agree that my side is the side you want to be on.

Now that you're on my side (and thank you, by the way: it's how I know you're a good person), there are a few simple rules:

• Never engage with someone on the other side. Their beliefs are different from our beliefs, so they should therefore be avoided at all costs.
• If you absolutely have to engage with someone on the other side, trust that they are wrong, and stick to that regardless of any evidence that might come up. If it seems like they might be winning, remember that you can prove you're right by being louder than they are.
• In the unlikely event that something they say might happen to make just a little bit of sense, try to view the people on their side as somewhat less than human. It can help to have a handy set of derogatory labels you can apply to them, including--but by no means limited to--such terms as racist, libtard, Godless, fascist, socialist, snowflake, or coward.
• After applying one or more of those labels, disengage as quickly as possible, and never think about the encounter or what they might have said again, unless it is to insult the beliefs of their side while speaking to fellow members of our side.

Following these simple rules will mean you'll almost never have to deal with the unpleasant sensation of uncertainty, except on random occasions when you see a bumper sticker you don't like or worry that your waitress might be one of them, In which case, you can take comfort in knowing you're right even as you question whether someone spit in your food.

Sure, there are drawbacks to being on our side. You'll eventually have disdain for at least half of the population, and probably closer to three-quarters. You'll begin to grow angry and/or bitter with less and less provocation. Chances are, you'll develop a sort of lifelong, low-grade paranoia, until you will only be comfortable with a very small group of people who have absolutely proven they are on our side. Still: isn't that a whole lot better than being on their side? I think so, and the internet has proven I'm right. Right?

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